Roy, Elbe, and Richard are being shanghaied into this sporking. So, without further ado... Onto the fic!
Ch. 1
Eliwood stood against his tent, looking about the camp.
Roy: (Eliwood) While I appreciate the tactician's efforts to bring some happiness to our battered troops, announcing a free-for-all orgy was... well...
*shuts eyes and looks away* ...I never needed to know Marcus could bend that way...
They had just defeated Sonia, and now they were resting. Jaffar stood protectively in front of Nino, who didn't seem to mind. The two of them were the newest to the group. Eliwood never thought two members of the Black Fang, especially the famed Angel of Death, would join them.
Richard: (Eliwood) Who is John Legault?
He continued to look around. Farina and Dart sat talking by the fire; the two of them had become close over time, joking and telling stories of their homelands to one another. Fiora and Kent sat on the other side of the fire, discussing their new plan to stop the people of camp from getting too intimate.
Roy: (Kent) We'll force them to read through Cori Falls' Team Rocket fanfiction.
(Fiora) And so nauseate them with the overload of melodramatic romance and four-hour sex marathons that they swear off all such activities entirely? That is truly harsh. ...So with which one should we begin?
Lyn stood with Rath, their hands locked together as they talked about Sacae. Heath and Priscilla stood near her tent, both talking about something unknown to Eliwood, though he thought he heard Heath say something about Bern.
Richard: (Heath) Just one use of Bolting. Turn and ride away on the spot, and no one will ever know who did it. A sympathetic priest can claim it was divine judgment. What do you say?
(Priscilla) Um... Regicide is a bit above my pay grade...
Even Hector had someone to talk to.
Richard: (Hector) I noticed. Now will someone make Serra SHUT UP?
The timid Florina was smiling and speaking with Hector about Ilia, her home. But then Eliwood's eyes settled on the one he was looking for.
C!Syaoran: *scoops them up and scarfs them down*
Ninian stood quietly by her tent that she shared with her brother, Nils, who was fast asleep. She seemed to be admiring the moon, the light illuminating her beautiful face. She slowly turned, however, and walked back into the woods behind them. Eliwood, surprised that she would wander into the woods,
Elbe: Why is that surprising?
followed. He found her leaning against an elm tree with her back to him, yet he could still see tears falling down her cheeks.
Elbe: If her back is to him, that means she's facing the elm tree and he's approaching her from behind, doesn't it? So... how is he seeing her cheeks, since they ought to be blocked by the rest of her skull?
Roy: Must've been a very reflective elm tree.
" Ninian?" He asked quietly. She spun to face him, quickly wiping the tears off with her sleeve. " Lord Eliwood, I didn't mean to give you concern. Please, I-I need a moment alone."
Richard: (Ninian) So that I can learn the fine art of starting a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes.
However, he persisted. " Ninian, do you remember what I told you when we last spoke?" She nodded, " But Lord Eliwood, I told you that I have been deceiving you!" He shook his head, " I don't care, Ninian. I already told you that I loved you, and I know that you would never hurt any of us. I'm sure that when the time is right, you will tell me your secret."
Roy: (Ninian) I'm a dragon.
(Eliwood) So? We cannot let a difference of species constrain our love.
(Ninian) I'm also over a thousand years old.
(Eliwood) I've always had a thing for older women.
(Ninian) If you marry me, Nergal will be your father-in-law.
(Eliwood) ...We may have to have a talk about our relationship.
" But.." she began, but it was too late. Eliwood leaned forward, pressing lips against Ninian's, one hand slowly wrapping around her waist, the other gently cupping her cheek. Eventually, Ninian wrapped her arms around his neck, their bodies pressing against one another's. They finally parted, and Eliwood looked into Ninian's eyes. " I love you, Ninian." He whispered. " I love you too, Lord Eliwood."
Richard: (Ninian) You, too, have no grasp of different-paragraphs-for-different-speakers. Clearly, we are soulmates!
She laid her head against his chest as they held one another in the pale moonlight.
Ch. 2
Eliwood looked forward toward the Berserker, a tomahawk clutched tightly in his hands.
Elbe: The way that sentence is structured, it sounds as if Eliwood is the one holding the tomahawk.
Florina had rescued Hector, who had been able to get a blow in, yet not before suffering a wound to his side.
Richard: (Hector) 'Tis only a flesh wound!
Lyn was poised, drawing an arrow to her steel bow,
Guardian's Song: I'm not sure giving a steel bow to Lyn is exactly the brightest idea. I mean - as long as you're going to have her fight a Tomahawk-wielder, why not just have her charge in with the Mani Katti?
Rath ready to rescue her if anything occurred. She let the arrow fly just as the Berserker let his tomahawk soar. The arrow embedded in his shoulder, but the tomahawk swung and cut deep into Lyn's side before it began its path back to its master.
Richard: *narrating* It took a detour over to the bar, bought a lovely Hand Axe a drink, and meandered over a while later, hiccuping and wobbling slightly as it returned to its owner's hand.
Rath swooped Lyn up, applying a vulnerary to the wound. It was his turn now. Eliwood galloped forward on his new horse,
Roy: (Eliwood) Popped up out of the ground when I used the Heaven Seal. Bloody weirdest thing.
and his silver sword buried deep into the Berserker's chest, killing him. Eliwood continued forward, seizing the spot that Athos had designated.
The group exited the cave, Eliwood clutching Durandul tightly.
Elbe: ...And the interlude with Roland never happened?
Roy: Of course. This is DuranDUL, Durandal's shoddily-made cousin. Athos has obviously gone a bit senile in his old age, and led them to the wrong cave.
Richard: (Roland) Thank you, Eliwood! But my dragon-slaying sword is in another cave!
Though he knew he should be happy, he couldn't help being scared about Ninian and how she had gone with Nergal. Then, there was a roar. He dismounted his horse, hurrying toward the noise. Then suddenly, a dragon appeared.
Roy: (Text) Wild DRAGON appears!
(Eliwood) Blast it, I knew I shouldn't have gone into the tall grass!
It was huge, its body rearing back in a roar. All else was gone.
Elbe: What?!
Richard: ...I honestly have no idea what that sentence means, either. Nor, for that matter, do I know how a "huge" dragon "suddenly" appeared.
(Yes, I know it's canon. I would assume Ninian came into view just as they exited the cave, however. The way the story phrases it, a noise came from nowhere, and then a dragon happened to pop into existence.)
The sword in Eliwood's hand forced him forward, and it hacked through the dragon powerfully.
Roy: *rubs eyes* You know you've spent too much time on a Kink Meme when that sounds like a lemon.
Richard: Your MIND is a Kink Meme.
Roy: You noticed?
He turned from where he had apparently landed, the dragon collapsing with a massive boom. Then, he heard a sinister laughing that he knew all too well. Nergal appeared, a grin on his face.
Richard: Ah, he too has the skill of 'making a noise and then appearing'. It must run in the family.
" Oh, how sad." He said.
Elbe: *sigh* That's not how dialogue tags work...
" What did you do, Nergal!" Eliwood roared, " What did you do with Ninian!" Nergal gave another chuckle. " Look for yourself, Eliwood, for it is not what I have done, but what you have done!"
Elbe: The author could have padded the quality of the story quite a bit by not truncating the canon dialogue...
Slowly, the dragon began to shift, until it changed into a human. Eliwood felt himself fall to his knees in disbelief. The dragon was now Ninian, blood forming a pool beneath her. He felt himself struggle forward until he was right in front of her.
Guardian's Song: Why is he only "feeling himself"? Would it be so hard for him just to do said actions?
(Fine, I get the author's trying to portray shock. It's still silly.)
" L-Lord Eliwood…" she whispered. " No, No,
Elbe: (Eliwood) - that's not how capitalizing words at the start of sentences work.
not you, Ninian. Please, don't die!" He cried, tears falling down his cheeks. She smiled at him, raising her hand to slowly wipe away the tears.
He clutched her hand in his, raising her into his lap.
Richard: NOW she starts a new paragraph?
" Please, d-don't cry." She whispered. " Ninian, I love you, please don't leave me!" he pleaded, leaning down and pressing his lips against hers. " I-I lived a good life, Lord Eliwood. I'm so glad that I could have someone as good as you in my life. I only wish…that I could have told you about this."
Elbe: *sighs* Again - the author had canon dialogue to use. "I only wish that I could have told you about this" is not better than "Lord Eliwood, protect this land".
Fresh tears filled his cheeks as her breathing ceased. He heard Nils speaking, heard Nergal laughing,
Richard: Wait - Nils shouldn't be speaking before Nergal leaves. Was the author half-asleep while she watched the canon scene?
heard Nils scream, but he couldn't really hear them.
Elbe: And the part about Athos attacking Nergal was completely omitted?
Richard: It's not relevant to romance, angst, or romantic angst, therefore it's irrelevant. Or at least, so the fic thinks.
Roy: I object to that! What about Nergal/Athos?
Richard: *facepalm*
Florina was pressed against Hector's chest, tears falling down her cheeks. Lyn cried, Rath's arms pulling her against his chest from behind gently. He couldn't believe what he had done.
Ch. 3
Eliwood drew Durandul, looking into Nergal's hideous eyes. " So, Eliwood, you
Richard: (Nergal) - still haven't gotten your hands on DuranDAL?
challenge me?" Athos had already weakened him, and Eliwood would deal the killing blow.
Roy: (Athos) If I fight him any more, I risk breaking a nail. Your turn, Eliwood!
" Your already weak, Nergal,
Elbe: (Nergal) My already weak what? Morality? Conscience? Fashion sense?
I will kill you, for Ninian!" Nergal simply laughed. " But you'll never get her back, Eliwood. Killing me won't save her."
Richard: (Eliwood) But you'll never harm anyone else.
(Nergal) ...Pah. I'll make sure to arrange my corpse in the manner most likely to pose a tripping hazard, and hope some of my blood ruins your boots. *shakes fist*
But Eliwood simply rode forward, Durandul slashing through Nergal easily. The dark druid collapsed, blood forming a pool around him.
Richard: Yes, getting slashed in two usually results in a good deal of blood.
But Eliwood had other things to attend to, and quickly dashed past him to the Gate.
Richard: (Nergal) After all this, my DEATH doesn't get any attention? I am offended!
Eliwood looked in fear. Three dragons strode from the Gate, fire pouring from their mouths. That was when Brimmimond
Sporkers: *burst out laughing*
Elbe: (Brimmimond) I'm Bramimond's dyslexic cousin. Why have you summoned me?
(Hector) Because Graybeard's succumbed to senility, apparently. *glares in Athos's direction*
Roy: (Athos) *squints at tome* Oh, that's why I picked up "Foreplay" rather than "Foreblaze". I knew there was something wrong when that one Morph got incredibly turned on rather than being reduced to ashes.
appeared. " May the dragon girl's soul be restored. QUOTATION MARK! That was when Ninian appeared, and her body began to glow. Her eyes slowly opened, and she looked forward. " N-Ninian?" Eliwood asked, in awe.
Elbe: That comma is not necessary.
" Lord Eliwood." She whispered. But she simply smiled. " Can we speak later?"
Elbe: (Ninian) - about proper punctuation of dialogue tags?
Eliwood nodded. She walked past him and toward the dragons. " Oh children of flame, return home." She called.
Richard: WHAT?
Roy: (Ninian) Disregard that, my dad sucks Ereshkigal tomes. Bye-bye now!
Richard: Does the author have any grasp of the term anticlimax?
Guardian's Song: Well, this was written six years ago, so she does NOW. But at the time, apparently not...
Two of the dragon's bodies vanished, but the third remained.
Elbe: Oh, it's a single dragon in three bodies? *sighs and facepalms* Please move that apostrophe to the end...
" I do not have..the strength." She whispered, before beginning to fall. Eliwood dashed forward and caught her in his arms quickly. " Lord Eliwood." She said with a smile. " I love you COMMA! Ninian." He whispered, pressing his lips to hers. Brimmimond strode forward. " I will care for the girl." He said. Eliwood set Ninian up,
Roy: - with Brimmimond, for the mother of all crack!pairs.
and she walked over to the man. The two of them vanished.
Roy: Wait, I didn't intend for that to be literal!
Richard: Also, Bramimond wouldn't be a man when the one nearest to it was a woman.
Roy: I'd contemplate the possibilities of instant twincest in any other fandom, but... not this one.
" Come, we must defeat the dragon!" Athos roared.
Eliwood stabbed deep into the dragon, killing it. He didn't pay attention to anything after that; he was too focused on thinking about Ninian.
Roy: (Eliwood) I have to get a bit less fatal with my "sword".
That was when Brimmimond appeared with Ninian, and she slowly walked over to the group of them. Nils stood beside Ninian, a broad smile on his face. " Ninian, I must ask, since this is all over. Will you return to Pharae with me?"
Richard: (Ninian) No, but I'd be happy to return with you to Pherae.
Ninian looked in more pain then Eliwood had ever seen. " I…..can't leave Nils, Lord Eliwood." That was when Nils spoke up. " No, Ninian, I want you to be happy, and I know that you will only truly be happy if you stay here with Eliwood."
Elbe: Again, truncating the canon dialogue to this extent does not help the story.
Richard: Let us just be glad that the author did not touch "A Glimpse In Time".
Roy: (Man) Bye, kids! Off to get Mommy! *runs off*
[Present Day]
(Teodor) Screw up, get brains gobbled by the darkness. Also, I'm in the Black Fang! *poofs off*
(Eliwood) *strolls over and stabs him* Next?
(Lyn) Ninian was off staring at an illustration of where baby half-dragons come from. Off we go!
(Nergal) *teleports in* A flashback? Not tonight, dear, I have a headache. *teleports out*
Ninian looked at Nils in shock. " Nils, are you sure?" He nodded. Ninian hugged him tightly with a smile, a tear falling down her cheek. He hurried off after that into the Gate, a smile on his face. " Goodbye, everyone!" he called, the door slowly closing in front of him.
Elbe: *facepalm* Was it SO HARD to type out Nils's final lines? Even if the author didn't have access to the script - surely she could remember more than "Goodbye, everyone"? Especially since Nils actually doesn't say goodbye to anyone but Ninian during that scene...
*checks* In fact, only Ninian ever thanks everyone as they leave. Nils only thanks the Lords. How did she get "Goodbye, everyone" out of that?
" Goodbye COMMA! Nils." Eliwood whispered. Then Ninian turned to him with a smile. Eliwood smiled back, and he slowly held her tightly against him, not wanting to let go. " I love you COMMA! Ninian." He whispered. " I love you too, Eliwood."
Elbe: *sigh* The author knows when commas should be used, so... why does she only use them half the time? *shakes head*
She replied. And for the first time in a long time, Eliwood was happy.
Epilogue
Ninian slowly walked around in the small orchard, just a little bit away from their room. A little over a year had passed since the battle against Nergal, and Ninian was now wed to Eliwood. She clutched her round stomach, a sign that there would soon be a new addition to the family. Then she felt gentle arms encircle her from behind. " Couldn't sleep?" Eliwood asked, gently rubbing her stomach. Ninian shook her head. " Have you thought of any new names yet?" She asked.
Guardian's Song: There may be a better way to punctuate it, but I'm sporking this at 2:14 AM, and my brainpower is not at its peak. -_-;;
He asked. Ninian smiled, " I like it."
Elbe: NOW she works out how to punctuate dialogue tags?
[End of story]
Richard: Hmph. At least it contained no sociopathy, complete logical failures, or purple prose. ...Unfortunately, that is a significant improvement.
Elbe: *sigh* It is, isn't it?
Roy: *nervously glances at the last paragraph of the story* Er... Why, hello, canon... Long time, no see... Don't mind me, I'm just an OC... Really... No relation at all... None, nope, nada...