How James Got His Mojo Back

@->->-

Fortune is a strange thing...perhaps one of the most unpredictable forces known

to humanity. One minute you can be riding high, but it can all come crashing

down the next. And as far as anybody knows, there's no way to master or control

the awesome and enigmatic force known as fortune.

Guardian’s Song: *resists commentary about election season with an effort*

I guess that explains the old saying, It's better to be lucky than good. Because

no matter how skilled one is at something, it just doesn't seem to matter if

fortune never favors them. And at the same time, no matter how inept one may be,

they can always win if fortune smiles upon them.

Guardian’s Song: …*resists commentary about life in general with an effort*

Tom: Cori, think y’ misspelled somethin’. “The author” ain’t spelled “f-o-r-t-u-n-e”.

(Hmmm...sounds a lot like what

my friends and I go through with that twerp, Ash. I swear, no matter how

flawless our plans are, there always seems to be some strange twist of fate that

ensures that dumb kid's victory!)

Tom: An’ “the show’s script” ain’t spelled “f-a-t-e”, either.

Some people believe that while fortune can't be controlled, it can be predicted.

And some even believe that their entire lives can be mapped out and planned by

such predictions.

Jerry: But if everything’s controlled by fortune, what’s the point of planning? What’s the point of taking any action save waiting for ‘fortune’ to bring you everything you need or rob you of everything?

Tom: Shh. That’s Earth Logic.

If you'd asked me at the beginning of the week if I believe in

that kind of thing, I probably would've laughed. I wouldn't laugh now, though.

Don't get me wrong, I still think it's absurd for people to release all personal

resolve and let fortune control their lives.

Jerry: Exactly!

I still believe wholeheartedly that

hard work, skill, and determination will always prevail in the end.

Guardian’s Song: *resists commentary with an effort* Canon-wise, though – explain, then, how Ash is STILL trying to win a championship, over ten seasons in? And no, Orange Islands does not count, since it’s not in the games. He hasn’t won any GAME-canon championship in all that time, as far as I know.

But

something happened to me yesterday that made me start thinking that maybe...just

maybe...there might be something to be said for fortune, after all....

Tom: Yer still misspellin’ “the author”!

@->->-

Guardian’s Song: Below is obviously a canon scene. You can tell by the way Jessie and James actually snark on each other rather than gazing into each other’s eyes for 10,000 words.

It all began that morning, when Meowth found some kind of fortuneHYPHEN!telling book.

Jessie was really excited by his discovery, saying that she'd heard all about

the books and that she'd been meaning to shoplift one, but I didn't share her

enthusiasm. Astrology is fun, but I've never put much stock in it, myself. I

just don't understand how the stars or time of birth can control a person's life

-- I've always been a firm believer in people making their own destinies.

Jerry: Well, considering that twin studies would be pointless if astrology worked (since twins would have the same horoscope except in very rare cases), that not every person born on the same date has the same personality and fate, and that horoscopes are so vague as to be suitable for almost any combination of events and personality traits – yes, I’d say they’re bunk.

Guardian’s Song: Of course, in Cori Falls’s fics, people only make their own destinies when they’re successful. When they fail, it’s because they came from disadvantaged backgrounds and the mean ol’ protagonists discriminated against them (How DARE Ash resist their efforts to kidnap his best friend!) and all sorts of horrid other things. Help, help, they’re bein’ oppressed! Somebody call the Pokémon Civil Liberties Union! :P

…Seriously, be consistent about ‘I am a hapless maiden carried to and fro on the winds of chaos and fate’ or ‘I am a righteous, self-willed individualist who makes my own destiny’. Yes, it may be more complicated than that, but frankly? People aren’t rational about self-determination, and consistent irrationality is more functional than inconsistent irrationality. The way people act when they try to be ~nuanced~ is either narcissistic – “When I win, it’s all me, me, me, but when I lose, OMG I WAS BEING OPPRESSED!!!1!!!” – or self-hating – “I only ever won because of chance and fate and magic that I can never get back again, but all my losses are solely my fault and mine alone, damn it; if you’ll excuse me, I need to go flagellate myself in my monastic cell for a while, then flagellate myself some more because my flagellation technique was off, because I can’t even do that right *mumble, mumble, mumble, flagellate*” – which are both not even internally consistent. Hence? Best just to make up your mind and stick with it.

I was only further convinced that the fortuneHYPHEN!telling book was just a hoax when

it said that Jessie's sign was Eevee. Don't get me wrong, Eevee is a nice

pokemon, and Jess is a sweetie, but she's just never struck me as an Eevee-type

personality. A Flareon, maybe, but certainly not an Eevee.

Jerry: …We’re agreed there.

While she wasn't

listening, I'd jokingly told Meowth that "Eevil" would be a better description,

but in reality I think her original prediction, that she'd be an elegant

Ninetales, would have been much more accurate. It seemed to me that if there

were anything to this fortuneHYPHEN!telling, Jess would be some kind of fire-type. She

does have a fiery temper and a passionate personality, after all.

Jerry: That’s… um. Yes, that’s an understat- er, good description…

(Not to

mention the elegant beauty of a Ninetales!)

Tom: *starts uproariously laughing*

Jerry: *gives him an annoyed look* *turns back to fic* I… wouldn’t quite put it that way…

But then, something strange happened....

When Jessie finished reading her horoscope, she'd offered to read mine as well.

I wasn't really interested in anything that book had to say, but since she was

having so much fun, I decided to humor her. And as it turned out, the book said

that my sign was Moltres! Jessie began to blush and looked at me in awe,

obviously impressed with my sign (and I must admit, Moltres is a pretty damned

impressive sign),

Elbe: Sixteen redundant words…

but I still didn't think there was anything to it. Meowth even

laughed and said that there wasn't anything Moltres-ey about me.

Guardian’s Song: Well, Harp would at least agree he’s flaming.

As Jessie proceeded to read my horoscope, however, I found my curiosity piqued.

According to the book, no matter what difficulties befall them, the Moltres-type

will always prevail and soar high above all others, just like the legendary

fire-bird itself!

Tom: An’ you’ll always be th’ weakest’a yer trio, have a redundant typing with one’a th’ starters, an’ promptly have another, much better Pokémon with yer general appearance show up in th’ next gen?

So, which one’a Jessie an’ Meowth’s Zapdos? Let’s read about ‘em instead.

Jerry: Hey!

My daily horoscope also said that I'd have good luck with

money and find something that I thought was lost.

Guardian’s Song: (Harp) [James] My last vague shred of something that resembled heterosexuality, back when I was twelve and thought ‘getting into a girl’s panties’ meant ‘getting her to let me put them on’?

I did my best to laugh it off, still thinking it was a ridiculous notion that a

pokemon sign could hold so much sway over my destiny. But then I proceeded to

find an extremely rare and valuable 1867 silver dollar just lying on the

ground...and then I found a bottle cap that I thought had disappeared from my

collection stuck inside of my boot! Well, that was certainly good luck with

money and finding something that I thought was lost, but I still didn't want to

believe that one little book could predict my life. Finding the coin and the

bottle cap were mere coincidences! Coincidences and nothing more!

Are they really coincidences? I asked myself. Or is there something to this

fortuneHYPHEN!telling, after all?

Thinking that the heat was probably getting to me and that all I needed was a

cool drink to clear my mind, I headed for the water fountain. As I did this,

Jessie looked at the book again and warned me that my horoscope predicted danger

near water today.

That was all it took to reassure me that the book was wrong -- the city we were

in was several miles inland, and there weren't any lakes or rivers nearby

either! How could I be in danger around water if there wasn't a body of water to

begin with?

Guardian’s Song: At first glance, this seems to be excellent reasoning.

Then you realize that there’s a ton of Trainers with Water Pokémon running about, and this suddenly becomes a lot less certain.

"That's ridiculous!" I told her as I pushed the button on the water fountain and

leaned down to get a drink. "We're nowhere near the water...."

*SPLOOSH!*

Quickly, I released the button and jumped away from the water fountain. The

water pressure was up too high, and I'd gotten completely soaked!

That was when the realization struck me.

Tom: (James) *shrieks* You can see my lacy pink bra through my wet t-shirt! Oh, my stars and garters! (And they’re very nice garters, I’ll have you know.)

Jerry: He isn’t THAT bad.

Danger had just befallen me near water! All three of the book's predictions for

my day had come true! I could deny it no longer -- I was a Moltres!

Now everything seemed so clear to me! I've faced so many adversities during my

life...so many humiliations and defeats! And yet, through it all, I've always

managed to land on my feet and gain some kind of personal victory. The abuse I'd

suffered at the hands of my parents and Jessiebelle and the death of my

grand-papa had been almost more than I could bear...but at the same time, it had

been those hardships that had driven me away from home and led me to find

Jessie!

Tom: (Meowth) So I’m Arcanine-fodder, eh?

Guardian’s Song: You know, that line could almost work, if it were less melodramatic and focused on more things that he enjoyed about his life than just Jessie.

But in that case, Cori Falls wouldn’t be Cori Falls. *wistful sigh* You know, enough sporking of her makes one almost fond of her. Now there was a Suethor that remained true to her principles, devoted to her ship, and hellbent on pursuing her fandom fantasies to the bitter end.

Yes, she went well into psychotic territory with her later fics and verged on the mentally unstable, but at least you couldn’t accuse her of cynically building her Gary-Stus and Mary-Sues up with empty, flowery phrases she didn’t believe. Oh, she believed every word she wrote, all right… and in this decayed day and age, that, at least, is to be admired.

Now, if only she hadn’t believed an eleven-year-old boy should be brutally beaten and publicly humiliated at every turn for anything less than perfect charity to her woobies…

Joining Team Rocket had been a difficult and painful choice for me to

make as well...

Guardian’s Song: Somehow, I suspect it wasn’t quite that way in canon.

Or, at least, I suspect it was more along the lines of “This is the only kind of employment I can get, and I need to eat” drama than “OMG NÄZGULS INCARNATE” drama as it was in Cori’s interpretation. Not that one needs to stay aligned with canon full-time, but I’m just bemused as to HOW she got the latter plotline when the former would have been just as easy to write and wave about for sympathy points.

but being able to stay with Jessie and becoming friends with

Meowth had made it all worthwhile! And every electrocution and blast-off

suffered at the hands of the twerps always seems to bring me and my friends

closer together, too!

Tom: Now yer just makin’ ‘em sound like they’ve got a fetish.

(I remember, last summer I had a dream where I saw my

grand-papa, and he even told me that no matter how difficult things may be for

me and my friends now, it would all have its reward someday soon. He'd told me

that a white tomorrow was waiting for us!)

Guardian’s Song: Let us also be thankful that Cori was pre-Social-Justice-Wankers.

The poor lady would have been constantly having to yell “IT’S IN THE JAPANESE LYRICS, STOP CALLING ME A RACIST! HOLY SHIT, THAT IS NOT WHAT IT MEANS!”

…Cori versus Social Justice Wankers. Huh. I… think we’ve found the one circumstance under which we’d all be rooting for Cori. O_o

So there's a reason for all the pain I suffer -- none of it is in vain because

it always leads me to a greater reward!

Tom: Y’know, I think he IS a masochist. *leery look* Fer someone who rants about stuff that ain’t appropriate fer a kid’s show, Falls’s sure fond’a writin’ about a cross-dressin’, thievin’ sadomasochist… Not that there’s anythin’ wrong with that. P’rticularly th’ thievin’ part.

Jerry: *flat expression* Are we sure she’s a fan of these characters? Are we sure?

I said to myself as I climbed to the top

of a lamp post and surveyed the world below...a world brimming with

opportunities and endless possibilities. Just like the mighty Moltres, I have

the power to prevail no matter what difficulties befall me and soar to new

heights! This is my destiny! I cannot be denied!

Tom: Excuse me, cross-dressin’, thievin’, bipolar sadomasochist. …Isn’t there some kinda series with vampires that’s about that?

Guardian’s Song: Minus the cross-dressing part.

And that was when something else strange happened -- I went mad with power.

Tom: Y’ noticed that a paragraph too late.

Now that I knew I could never truly be defeated, I decided it was time to take a

chance -- I had to do something great to show the world that James the Moltres

was here...and that he meant business!

Tom: (James) I’m going to go rob a museum of an exact replica of Queen Elizabeth’s dress and prance around in it! Watch out, England – for the second time, King Elizabeth will be succeeded by Queen James! *maniacal laughter*

Jerry: Do you have any better snark than ‘OMG CROSSDRESSER’?

Tom: Y’ mean like mockin’ th’ difference between a dork like canon!James an’ this hoity-toity idiot? Sure, but this’s funnier.

Jerry: *sigh*

And what better way to do that than capturing lots of pokemon?

Jerry: Actually training powerful Pokémon? Devising a trap that doesn’t involve a motto recitation beforehand? Getting a job that doesn’t involve your being electrocuted weekly?

Tom: Y’ really need t’ learn t’ stop usin’ that “Earth Logic” around here.

When I got down from the lamp post, I informed Jessie and Meowth that I was the

new supreme ruler of Team Rocket and that they had to obey and revere me. Under

the command of James the Moltres, we were going to capture all of the pokemon in

the city...maybe even the world!

Guardian’s Song: Look, I know this was in the episode for laughs, but given the way Cori!James otherwise swings between the heights of elation and the depths of despair with every emotional event in his life, no matter how trivial, this really makes it sound like he’s clinically bipolar. I’m resisting a strange urge to feel concerned for a fictional character’s mental health.

"I saw a dayHYPHEN!care center not too far from here," I told them. "We shall go there

with haste, and I shall lead you in pillaging and plundering its pokemon! Your

Moltres master will lead you to victory!" With that, I started heading up the

street.

Jessie and Meowth didn't look too thrilled that I'd usurped control of the team

and that I was ordering them around, but they followed me without protest. Who

could resist the power and charisma of the mighty Moltres, after all? And even

though I could tell that Jessie was kind of annoyed with me, I wasn't worried. I

knew that I'd be making it worth her while later.

The fair damsel will be singing a different song when James the Moltres lights

her fire tonight! I said to myself as I formed a mental image of the passion and

romance I had in store for her.

I could hardly wait!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||

@->->-

Guardian’s Song: And kudos on the ingenious divider. It actually does look like a rose.

Yes, I’m feeling emotionally zoned out at the time of this sporking being written. It makes me charitable towards those I dislike.

Our quest soon brought us to the local day care center. It did, indeed, look

like the perfect place to strike...to demonstrate my amazing Moltres powers!

Meowth suggested that we sneak in the back way, but I'd have no part of that!

"Out of the question!" I scoffed. "Sneaking and skulking is no way for James the

Moltres to engage in battle! Rather, we shall hold our heads high as we march

through the portcullis and face our enemies head-on! Make way!"

Guardian’s Song: …Portcullis? At a DAYCARE?

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: ||||

However, to say that I was disappointed by what I found when I walked through

the door would be an understatement -- our "enemies" were nothing more than an

old man and woman! I'd been hoping for a more formidable foe, but Moltres that I

am, I didn't let it get me down for long.

Perhaps starting small is the best way to begin my campaign, I reasoned. There's

no need to use force against these people -- a simple threat will be all it

takes to make them surrender! And perhaps when they surrender, others will see

my might and surrender as well! And as more surrender, the more power I'll gain!

Greater challenges do, indeed, lie ahead, but this shall do for a start!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: ||||

As the old couple looked up from their work, I stood tall and smirked. "The

Moltres is here!" I informed them.

Tom: Next part unsporked fer th’ awesomeness.

Guardian’s Song: That’s not a reason.

Jerry: And it isn’t that ‘awesome’…

Tom: *annoyed* Will y’ be quiet an’ watch th’ fun?

The two of them gave me a confused look. They obviously didn't know who I was

and that this was the part where they were supposed to surrender and submit to

my will.

When I repeated that James the Moltres had arrived and commanded them to hand

over all of their pokemon, however, they refused. And they even looked as if

they were amused by my presence!

Well, that did it. Nobody laughs at James the Moltres! It was time to show these

simpletons that I was nobody to be trifled with!

But as I charged towards them, the old woman grabbed me by the collar of my

jacket and started shaking me about. I had greatly underestimated the enemy.

Behind me, I could hear Jessie shouting, "HEY!!! LET GO OF HIM!!!" Then, I was

thrown across the room and slammed into the wall.

When I opened my eyes again, I could see the old man grabbing Jessie and

throwing her across the room too, and I felt myself becoming every bit as

enraged as she'd been! Nobody hurts James the Moltres's woman and gets away with

it! Vengeance would be mine!

"How dare you treat James the Moltres in such a manner?!" I shouted. "Where did

you get the audacity, and where did you get the muscles?!"

The old couple laughed at us. "You obviously don't remember who we are, so let

us refresh your memory....Prepare for trouble, and make it double!"

Uh, oh. I could see where this was leading.

Tom: *stands up and cheers* Show ‘em who’s boss! Kick their posteriors t’ th’ curb!

Jerry: Just be glad she doesn’t like them, or she’d ruin their personalities, too.

Tom: *smugly* Well, she doesn’t, so it ain’t a problem.

"To infect the world with devastation!" the old woman cried.

"To blight all peoples in every nation!" the old man said in a hideous,

toad-like voice.

Tom: It ain’t hideous!

Jerry: Yes, it is. And it clearly “crossdresses” on the weekends. Ever wanted to hear Butch sing soprano?

Tom: …Y’ hold a grudge, don’tcha?

"To denounce the goodness of truth and love!"

"To extend our wrath to the stars above!"

"Cassidy!" With that, the old woman tore off her disguise and revealed her true

identity.

"Butch!" the old man croaked, doing the same.

"We're Team Rocket, circling the earth all day and night!"

"Surrender to us now, or you will surely lose the fight!"

"That's right!"

"Raticate!!!"

When the two of them finished that stupid mockery of our motto,

Tom: Y’ mean, th’ actual intimidatin’ version?

Jerry: You mean, the plagiarized version?

Tom: *irritated look*

they began to laugh at us once more.

"Grrrr! Cassidy!" Jessie growled.

"And Botch, too!" I chimed in.

"The name is BUTCH!" he shouted. "Can't you get anything right?!"

Jessie, Meowth, and I cringed at the god-awful sound of his voice.

Tom: It ain’t that awful!

What the hell are these bastards doing here?! I wondered as they continued to

gloat. I thought they were still in jail on Mandarin Island! I guess the boss

bailed their sorry asses out...again....

Tom: Th’ same’s true’a you. Who’s “sorry posterior” gets blasted a couple’a miles away on a weekly basis? Makes jail seem like a preschool, eh?

Knowing that my Moltres honor was at stake and that we had no choice but to

battle them, Jessie and I sprang to our feet and got out our poke balls.

Ariana: *poke, poke, poke, poke*

Albus: *irritated* Ariana, do you mind?

Before

we could release Arbok and Weezing, however, Cassidy's Raticate lunged at us,

and Butch released a Primeape.

Taken off guard by the unpleasant surprise, Jessie, Meowth, and I were knocked

down by Raticate and pummeled by Primeape. Once we'd been overpowered, the

fiends tied us up and locked us in the back room, laughing all the while as they

left us to rot.

Tom: An’ how’s that different from what y’ do t’ th’ twerps if y’ get a chance?

Jerry: Are you using Earth Logic again?

Tom: …Yer really that annoyed about my mockin’ James?

Jerry: …*gives him a flat look* What do you think?

@->->-

Meowth seemed disheartened by our latest defeat, and behind me I could hear

Jessie muttering a string of curses under her breath about how much she hated

Cassidy. (It's still beyond me how a sweet, beautiful girl like my Jessie could

ever have been friends with a vile, insufferable wench like Cassidy.

Tom: (Butch) *while tied up* How’d a tough chick like you ever be friends with a whiny loser like Jessie?

(Cassidy) I don’t know. Some days, I think all those shocks from that kid’s Pikachu made all her brains fall out her ears. Electroshock therapy can cause personality changes and amnesia, you know.

I guess

Cassidy just pretended to be her friend and used her, and Jess put up with it

because nobody else would even have anything to do with her.

Tom: Used her? Fer what?

…No, I don’t want y’ t’ go ask around on a Kink Meme!

Guardian’s Song: I actually wasn’t even thinking about it.

I'm glad Jessie

realized that she was better off without a "friend" like Cassidy though -- with

friends like that, who needs enemies?!)

Jerry: With protagonists like this, who needs villains?

And as I listened to Jessie cursing Cassidy's name, something occurred to me.

Wait a sec! I said to myself. Who do those miserable pissants think they are?!

They're certainly not better than us -- I don't see them getting any more

pokemon for the boss than we ever do...

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) That’s because you don’t follow us around all the time, morons!

and they always end up in jail! At least

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) - we DO something that makes us wind up in jail, rather than getting beaten up by a bunch of kids!

MY team knows how to get out of trouble

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Yeah, by getting “blasted off again”. Funny, we didn’t think that was voluntary.

-- all they ever do is wait around for

the boss to bail them out and give them another chance!

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) WHAT chance to steal that Pikachu are you on, again? Your hundred and fifty-first chance?

If Botch and Crappidy

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Oh, how mature. Loser.

think for one second that I, James the Moltres, will stand for such idiocy, then

they have another thing coming!

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) Our fists.

Jessie and Meowth continued to bemoan our defeat, but I just laughed. "Fear

not!" I told them. "You're forgetting that no matter what difficulties befall

him, the Moltres will always prevail and soar above all others to triumph!"

With that, I flexed my biceps and pectoral muscles and felt the ropes that bound

us straining against me. After a moment, one of the coils snapped...and then

another...and another. One by one, the ropes gave way and fell to the floor.

Mere twine was no match for my muscle-power! "MOLTRES!!!" I cried as the final

coil of the rope broke, and I sprang to my feet. Then, I threw myself against

the door a couple of times and busted it down.

Tom: (Butch and Cassidy) We knew we shouldn’t have taken your example of using the cheapest rope and doorframes available.

Guardian’s Song: (More seriously, James actually managed that in canon? WOW. I – DANG! Team Rocket’s problem really IS villains-always-lose, isn’t it? The moment they’re fighting against other villains – good gad, they pull out awesome powers! Dude! Where do I watch this episode? :D

*the next morning* …Rhetorical question. If I watch it, I will of course watch it via actually buying the DVD with the episodes… Bah. Being a fervent capitalist stinks. :\ )

Jessie and Meowth stared at me in awe.

"Moltres has broken your bonds!" I said triumphantly. "Come! We must fly!"

"Wh-whatever you say, James," said Jessie.

"Yer the leader," said Meowth.

I nodded and charged out the door. It's time to show those pathetic wannabes

who's boss around here! I thought. They have insulted my honor...and the honor

of my friends! For that, Moltres will make them pay!

@->->-

When we returned to the main room of the day care center, it was empty. Where

have those cowards gone?! I wondered as I surveyed the area. They must have fled

because they knew that their measly bonds could never hold James the Moltres!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |

Rooting around behind the desk in hopes of finding some clue as to where they

went, I soon came across a journal. And as I read what was written inside, I

learned that Butch and Cassidy had been selling the fortuneHYPHEN!telling books to the

children at the dayHYPHEN!care center and tricking them into handing over their

pokemon by convincing them that they'd have good luck if they traded for a

pokemon that matched their sign.

Guardian’s Song: (Children) Actually, we were just doing it in the hopes of getting foreign Pokémon for the Matsuda method. Suckers.

Well, now that I actually saw their evil scheme written down, I was appalled!

Appalled, I tell you! Not just by their actions, but my own as well.

Tom: (James) Did I really just go around screaming that I was a Moltres?

(Jessie and Meowth) YES.

How could I

have even thought about wanting to rob a dayHYPHEN!care center and steal from innocent

little children?!

Jerry: Um, the same way you weekly attempt to steal from an innocent child, his possible love interest, and their goofy teenaged friend?

I may have been drunk on the power of my sign, but even so,

that didn't give me the right to do something so despicable!

Tom: (James) Being a Team Rocket member gives me the right to do something so despicable!

Granted, my friends

and I may give that twerp a hard time, but at least he (and everybody else that

we try to steal from) can either afford the losses or stick up for themselves!

Guardian’s Song: OH LORDY.

What were Cori’s economic beliefs – hardcore communism? It doesn’t MATTER that they can afford the losses. Stealing is WRONG. Taking people’s property from them is WRONG. Harming people is WRONG.

Not to mention, no, Ash can’t afford the loss of his best friend. But anyway.

Welp, I suppose Cori really bought into that ‘[bigotry]=prejudice+power’ thing. Clearly, it doesn’t matter that Team Rocket are obsessed, unscrupulous thieves, ‘cos they’re never successful, but Ash is EVILEVILEVIL, because he’s the main character and he’s mean to them. Rah, rah, rah, support the Death Eaters. Hail the Empire. Rally in Mordor. After all, they’re so discriminated against by the protagonists.

Deceiving and robbing children is inexcusable!

Guardian’s Song: (Ash) Great to hear it. So you’re going to stop bothering me and Pikachu?

As desperate as we may be at

times, Jessie, Meowth, and I would never sink that low!

Guardian’s Song: (Ash) HELLO? I’M TEN.

(I remember, once I'd

even said that no matter how much we may lie, cheat, and steal, we weren't in

the business of hurting children and destroying their dreams!)

If...if I'd gone through with it, I wouldn't be any better than Botch and

Crappidy! I told myself.

Tom: Y’ think yer even in th’ same league?

Jerry: Yes.

*they glare at each other*

But I didn't...and now I know what I must do! I just

hope it isn't too late for James the Moltres to make amends!

This was about more than just the honor of me and my friends -- Butch and

Cassidy had sullied the very honor of Team Rocket,

Jerry: We HAVE honor?

and they had to be stopped.

We may be thieves, but even thieves live by a code of honor. Without that code,

a thief is nothing more than a common bandit.

Tom: We ARE! What the Muk is this “honor” nonsense?!

I knew the boss wouldn't be too

happy about me putting the kibosh on their evil plans, but he'd soon realize

that in the big scheme of things, hurting defenseless children was too high a

price to pay for a few new pokemon.

Tom: He’s gone outta his mind. Give me that count.

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| ||

He'd understand that I was only trying to

uphold the honor of Team Rocket.

Jerry: Again – WHAT honor?

(And who knows? Maybe this realization would

mean a raise and a promotion for me, Jessie, and Meowth!)

Tom: Completely outta his mind.

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||

Jerry: (Boss) You sabotaged fellow agents’ schemes in order to – in order to not hurt children’s feelings? And you think you’ll get a PROMOTION?

*unsheathes wakizashi* Prepare for some highly family-unfriendly content…

"Jessie! Meowth! Find out where the enemy has fled!" I commanded.

Jessie raised an eyebrow. "And what are you going to do, James?"

"James the Moltres shall punish these knaves for their evil deeds!" I replied.

Guardian’s Song: From http://www.serebii.net/anime/epiguide/johto/159.shtml : “Moltres-James won't stand for that sort of treatment, he breaks through the ropes, and busts through the storeroom door, leaving Jessie and Meowth in shock. Annoyed by their hesitance to act, he picks them up roughly, and carries them to safety.” Note the absence of this part of the scene.

So you really can tell where the content switches by when James adopts the medieval speech patterns. Amazing.

(Dear serebii.net – it’s TWO SENTENCES, I acknowledged it was yours, and I only quoted it because it’s hard to summarize a summary. Don’t flame me, please?)

"But first, I must prepare myself for the coming battle!" With that, I swept

Jessie into my arms and planted a firm, hard kiss on her lips. I could feel her

melting in my embrace as her mouth opened, and she returned the kiss.

Tom: This scene brought t’ ya by a thousand cruddy romance novels. Ain’t those th’ exact phrases they all use?

Jerry: And how would you know about those?

Tom: I – er – None’a yer beeswax!

When I released Jessie, her cheeks turned pink, and she placed a hand over her

heart. "Wh-whatever you say, James," she gasped.

Jessie's sapphire eyes began to sparkle, and her knees looked like they were

turning to jelly as I winked at her and saluted. "I shall return anon!" I told

her.

Jerry: (James) *comes back on anon* Ooh, now I can post on Anon Memes! :D

While I was preparing to take my leave, I heard Meowth snickering. "Oooooh,

yeah! You are SO gonna get laid out on a slab in th’ morgue tonight, Jimmy-boy!"

"Knock it off, Meowth!" Jessie cried.

I turned and looked back at the two of them for a moment. Jessie had picked the

cat up and clamped her hand over his mouth. Her face was redder than ever now.

Meowth was right -- she wanted me!

Jerry: To shut up and stop embarrassing yourself? I bet she did.

(I'd been right earlier, as well -- the power

and charisma of Moltres were irresistable IRRESISTIBLE!)

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| ||||

I winked at Jessie once more and licked my finger, making a sizzling noise as I

pointed to her. "James the Moltres is burning for you, baby!" I said.

Jerry: …Forget Jessie for a moment. I want him to shut up. *facepalm*

Tom: Yeah, Jessie’s not turnin’ red because she’s impressed, Moltres-boy…

Jessie dropped Meowth as she placed her hand over her heart and went weak in the

knees again.

Meowth, meanwhile, fell to the floor and roared with laughter.

Tom: Yeah, I’m gettin’ tempted.

Jerry: *buries face in hands*

I couldn't help but laugh too as I looked at them one last time and left the dayHYPHEN!

care center. James the Moltres was lucky to have such wonderful teammates on his

side.

Jerry: *through hands* (Jessie and Meowth) Yes, we’re doing our best to accommodate your deranged fantasy…

@->->-

As I made my way back to the park in order to meditate and plan my battle

strategy, I happened upon a costume shop. Since it was another six months until

Halloween, the store was selling its costumes at a drastic discount...and

naturally, this piqued my interest. Pokemon ensembles were always popular.

Tom: Get th’ heck out, furries!

Who

knows? Maybe they had a Moltres costume in stock! And what better way for James

the Moltres to go into battle than in the garb of his pokemon sign?

Tom: FURRY! FURRY! FURRY!

Jerry: He’s not a furry, just… um… obviously in need of some medication…

Fortune was, indeed, smiling upon me today -- when I entered the shop, the first

thing I saw was a Moltres outfit hanging on a clearance rack...and it was even

my size!

He, he, he! Jessie is just going to love this! I said to myself as I tried the

costume on and admired myself in the fitting room mirror. The yellow spandex

bodysuit was form-fitting, and the fiery plumage of the wings, boots, tail, and

headpiece were magnificent!

Tom: Furry.

I wasn't too fond of the poofy collar, and I knew

that if I'd gotten Jessie to make the costume it would've looked much better,

but there simply wasn't time for that.

Jerry: (Jessie) I am NOT making you a fursuit. That’s too evil even for me.

I needed a costume now...and for now this

was more than adequate! (I could always get Jess to make me a better one

later...and maybe even a sexy little Eevee outfit for herself!)

Jerry: (Jessie) Get your furry fetish away from me!

(Cori!James) *facepaw* I knew this was a bad idea.

The store clerk looked at me as if I were a madman

Tom: (Store Clerk) Dude, I’ve got to tell /b/ that there was a furry in my shop… though, uh, maybe I should make up a tale about my beating him up first. They’ll murder me if they know that I willingly aided and abetted one of those creatures. *frantically starts making something up*

as I exited the fitting room

still dressed in my costume and made my purchase, but I paid him no mind. He had

no idea that I was James the Moltres and that I was preparing for the battle of

my life, but he'd learn soon enough. When I brought those two brigands to

justice, I'd be a hero, and everybody would know the glorious name of James the

Moltres!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |

@->->-

While I was returning to the day care center, I met up with Jessie and Meowth

again.

"Ah! There you are!" I said. "Did you learn where our enemy has gone?"

Meowth's eyes widened, and his mouth pulled into a frown when he saw me.

"Uhhh...what the hell are you wearin', James?!" he asked.

"Fool! Can you not see that I am Moltres?!" I told him.

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"Nice outfit, James," Jessie said as she came to my side and ran her fingers

along one of my wings.

I smiled at her.

Meowth snickered again. "Oooooohhhh, Jimbo, ya shoulda heard her carryin' on!

After ya left, Jess was all like, OH, MY GOD!!! JAMES IS TOO SEXY!!! I bet ya

damn near made her underwears explode when ya broke dose ropes with yer

pecs...."

Guardian’s Song:

       / @--____--@ \ <-OVARIES

     /          \-----/           \

    /              \--/              \ <-UTERUS

   /                |-|                 \ <-VAGINA

/                 \ __/                 \ <-YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT THAT IS

|                   / \                      |

I would like you to observe my extremely crude attempt to diagram the female reproductive system, because I want to complain about certain common phrases. I expect ‘ovaries exploding’ would feel like ovulation x 10, which… would be quite unpleasant. Meanwhile, underwear exploding would leave you with nasty burns in a rather sensitive area – again, not very enjoyable.

I know very well what it’s referring to, and my question is why we can’t just say it if we’re all mature, ~sexually-liberated~ adults. Explosions are just strange euphemisms. Jeez.

"SHUT UP, MEOWTH!!!" Jessie cried, giving him a swift kick in the rear. Her face

was turning bright red again.

I felt myself welling up with pride once more. Ah! She sings a different song

already! The lady fair will definitely be mine once I vanquish the villains!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| ||

"Worry not, my love," I said as I took Jessie in my arms. "James the Moltres

will fulfill your every desire soon enough!" With that, I planted another kiss

on her lips and caressed her bare midriff, bringing my hands lower until they

were resting on her butt.

Jessie pulled away and slapped me across the face. "Don't you get fresh with me,

James!" she shouted.

Meowth began to laugh. "Looks like the Moltres just got shot down!" Then, he

winked at me. "Ah, don't worry about it, Jimmy -- she's just playin' hard ta

get. We all know she wants ya!"

Guardian’s Song: I think I’m supposed to be saying something feminist right now.

Instead, I’m just laughing.

I looked again at Jessie. Her cheeks were still flushed, and she was looking at

me with bedroom eyes. She did, indeed, want me -- she'd only resisted my

advances out of pride.

Tom: This’s even more’a bad romance novel than usual.

I felt my cheeks flushing as well, and I chuckled.

Jessie brought out her paper fan and smacked me and Meowth over the head. "Can

you boys PLEASE get your minds out of the gutter for a minute?! We've got more

important things to worry about!"

Jerry: *whimpering through fingers*

She was right -- I could always pleasure her later,

Tom: Had Falls’s shipment’a Mills’n’Boon just arrived when she wrote this fic or somethin’?

but right now we had to stop

Butch and Cassidy...and we'd already wasted valuable time!

"Verily! Enough of your shenanigans, cat!" I said, grabbing Meowth and putting

him in a headlock. "Now I shall ask again -- have you found where the enemy has

fled?"

Jessie nodded. "There's a warehouse behind that dayHYPHEN!care center. That's where

Butch and Cassidy are taking all of the pokemon they've stolen. Meowth and I saw

them carrying crates of poke balls

Ariana: Crates of poke balls? D: They’ll get poked unconscious! Somebody, save them!

back there, so we came to find you."

I nodded approvingly. "You have done well," I said.

"So, what's yer plan, fearless leader?" Meowth asked.

Guardian’s Song: Will somebody tell her Meowth is not Rattrap? And James is not Optimus Primal?

There was no missing the sarcasm in his voice, but I paid him no mind. "We shall

return and engage the scoundrels in combat, of course!" I replied. "But first, I

need a crane."

The two of them gave me a confused look.

"A crane?!" said Meowth.

"What do you need a crane for, James?" Jessie asked.

Tom: What’s this Earth Logic doin’ here, an’ what’ve y’ done with Cori Falls?

"So that I can swoop down from the heavens as I vanquish my foes!" I told her.

"I may have the soul of a Moltres, but I have the body of a human! I can't fly

on my own, you know!"

Jerry: You had to state this?

Tom: He says he’s got th’ soul’a a Moltres in a human body! Aaaargh! Otherkin! Otherkin! Get it AWAY! *throws chair at fic*

Chair: *bounces off*

Tom: …*takes cap off and scratches head*

Jerry: *looking over at him* …I think you need another plan.

"James, I think you're getting a little too carried away with this Moltres

thing," Jessie told me.

"Yeah! You ain't a Moltres -- yer a looney-bird!" Meowth agreed.

"Go ahead! Laugh all you want!" I shot back. "But when I, James the Moltres,

emerge victorious, I shall be the one who has the last laugh!" I laughed

maniacally when I said this, emphasizing the point.

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||

I’ll give her one thing, though – this actually sounds somewhat like canon banter. If it wasn’t for the non-canon romance, I’d have far more difficulty distinguishing between her material and the canon. I don’t know why she was in unusually canon-esque form this fic, but it’s a pleasant change from the usual lovey-dovey fluff.

Jessie sighed. "Whatever you say, James."

Meowth closed his eyes and thought for a moment. "Okay, bird-boy, you win. We'll

humor ya."

I raised an eyebrow.

"We saw a place that rents construction equipment a couple of blocks from the

dayHYPHEN!care center," said Jessie. "I guess we could get a crane there."

I smiled at her again. "Then come! Let us hie thither immediately!

Guardian’s Song: The faux-medieval speech is another hint, admittedly.

We haven't a

second to waste!"

With that, I began to charge up the street once again, and once again, Jessie

and Meowth followed.

Tom: - with tranquilizer darts.

@->->-

Once we'd rented a crane, Jessie and Meowth hooked me to it and started driving

towards the warehouse. In a matter of minutes, I'd be engaging my foes in combat

and making the name of James the Moltres known to the entire world!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| ||||

This must be the greatest day of my life! I said to myself as I closed my eyes

and relished the feeling of the wind whipping through my hair and feathers.

Tom: Y’ don’t have feathers, furry! Those’re just on yer costume!

Jessie is in love with me,

Jerry: Wasn’t she already in love with you?

and my soul is soaring higher than Moltres itself!

Who would've thought that one little book could have so much power?!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| ||||

When I opened my eyes again, I saw that we were approaching the warehouse.

Jessie pulled a lever and lifted the arm of the crane, moving me out of the way.

Then, she put the crane into high gear and rammed the wall a few times, breaking

it down.

And sure enough, once the dust had settled, I saw Butch and Cassidy standing

inside the warehouse, staring in horror at the nowHYPHEN!shattered wall. Ash, Misty,

and Brock were in the warehouse too, and it looked as if they'd been preparing

for a fight. They seemed to be taken off-guard by my appearance as well.

It was time to make my grand entrance!

"I am the flame that burns brightest!" I announced as Jessie pulled the lever

again and slowly began to lower me into the building. "A flame that lights the

night! A flame that shatters the darkness! I am a flaming Moltres! Bwa, ha, ha,

ha, ha!!!!!"

Butch, Cassidy, and all three of the twerps said nothing, just stared up at me

with expressions of utter shock and confusion on their faces.

Tom: Even Falls can’t ruin canon comic relief.

They obviously

weren't expecting the mighty Moltres...the Hero of Destiny to be none other than

James of Team Rocket!

Tom: …Eh, what was I saying?

Guardian’s Song: You were obviously saying –

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |

Tom: Yeah, that oughtta do it.

In the silence that ensued, I could hear Jessie and Meowth whispering about me.

"Dat outfit...I wonder where he got it?" Meowth muttered.

"I think that costume came right out of his closet," Jessie muttered back.

Tom: Sure he didn’t rip it off some poor sap at some sorta Pride parade?

WHAT?! What the hell was that supposed to mean?! Was Jessie suggesting that my

Moltres costume looked gay?! I was wearing it to impress her –

Jerry: No, you were wearing it to fit your ‘spirit animal’ or whatever! Get your motivations straight!

I thought she

liked it! (Hmmm...now that I thought about it, perhaps "flaming" wasn't the best

choice of words to use to describe myself.

Tom: No kiddin’.

That's the double-edged sword of

being part of a family of smart-asses -- it's always fun when Meowth and I pick

on Jessie for saying something foolish, and when Jess and I gang up on Meowth

for his gaffes...but by that same token, Jessie and Meowth are just as merciless

with me whenever it's my turn to make the inevitable foolish remark. And I guess

it was my turn now.)

Tom: Y’ really love th’ word-paddin’, don’tcha, Falls?

‘Live by the smart-ass sword, die by the smart-ass sword. Oh well… I suppose that’s the way it goes. [next paragraph]’

…An’ that’s fifty-one words shorter, y’ know.

Still, even though I knew that Jessie was only joking around with that comment

about my costume, I wasn't going to let it slide. I was James the Moltres, after

all! Nobody insults me and gets away with it...not even in jest!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| ||

(Also, Miss Falls said she wasn’t homophobic. Yet she clearly designates Jessie’s implication that James looked gay as an insult. Ahem? What were you saying, Miss Falls?)

Swinging myself backwards, I landed on the windshield of the crane and looked

over my shoulder at Jessie. "Yeah, you weren't talking like that last night,

baby!" I retorted.

Jerry: Um, does Cori Falls know what ‘speech patterns’ are?

Tom: Y’ have t’ ask? NO.

I hadn't spoken loud enough for the twerps or Butch and Cassidy to hear, but

Jessie definitely heard me -- her face turned bright red again! And as our eyes

met, I could tell that she was recalling the events of the previous night,

too....

(After another long day of traveling, we'd made camp in the hills overlooking

the city. The weather had been clear and balmy, and Jessie and I had gone for a

walk after eating dinner. We'd held hands as we sat together beneath a tree and

watched the sunset, and we'd talked for hours as the moon rose and the stars

came out. And as we'd sat together talking, there'd been something magical about

the moment...something that made us want to be even closer to each other than we

already were.

Tom: Y’ know, if Falls didn’t get a job churning out Harlequin Romances… th’ woman’s true callin’ got missed by several miles. Period.

I remembered how Jessie had purred in my arms last night as I'd made love to

her. She'd cried out in pleasure at every movement I'd made,

Tom: I’m tellin’ ya. This shoulda been her career. It comes all natural t’ her.

and every time we

finished, Jessie would pounce on me, and we'd start again. We hadn't returned to

camp until the wee hours of the morning, and even then, we'd held each other

close as we laid together in our sleeping bag, and Jessie had told me over and

over again what an incredible lover I was.)

Tom: Th’ alternative was probably listenin’ to y’ tellin’ yerself about what a wonderful lover y’ were…

I snickered at the abashed expression on Jessie's face. Meowth snickered too and

playfully jabbed her in the ribs.

Heh, heh, heh. That got her! I said to myself as I laughed once more and swung

back into the action.

Butch, Cassidy, and the twerps, meanwhile, were still dumbfounded by my

presence. When I announced to them that I was James the Moltres and that if they

surrendered, I'd be merciful, however, the twerps began to whine and say that I

was no Moltres.

It was no surprise that they doubted the veracity of my claim, so I didn't allow

it to raise my ire. Rather, I figured that I could use their dubiousness to my

advantage. They'd see my power soon enough...a power that would seem all the

greater if they underestimated me!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||

"My soul is the soul of Moltres!" I said calmly to the nonbelievers. I then told

them about the amazing fortuneHYPHEN!telling book that had changed my life.

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| ||||

All her purple prose is really making James look nuts. If he was just crazily overenthusiastic – well, he’s a lovable dork, we all know that. But playing this dead seriously and then some… D8

Misty hung her head and sighed when I mentioned the book, and she replied that

she already knew about it. She obviously wasn't happy with her sign. (Not all of

us are lucky enough to be born a Moltres-type, after all.)

Butch and Cassidy, however, still weren't impressed -- they even looked like

they were ready to start jeering and hurling insults!

Well that did it. My patience with these fools had been pushed to its limit --

it was time unleash my Moltres powers and put an end to their evil!

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| ||||

"Prepare, knaves!" I shouted, bringing out

Tom: Aw heck no. *shuts eyes*

one of my poke balls

Ariana: Oh no! Not more poke balls! D:

Tom: *ignoring her* *lets out a deep sigh of relief*

Jerry: *gives him an annoyed look*

and releasing

Victreebel.

Victreebel screamed happily when he saw me and leapt up to give me a love-bite,

but I wasn't in the mood for his affections today.

Jerry: …Love-bite? Affections? Screamed happily?

Oh, good grief! This IS a furry fic!

Tom: *clutches at cap with both hands* What is this Tauros dung? This ain’t th’ Pokémon Kink Meme, Falls! Get yer Victreebel/James away from the audience! Shoo! Shoo! Gosh darn it!

This was the decisive

battle...the denouement! He had to stay focused! When he lunged at me, I kicked

him away and scolded him. And when he saw that our opponents were Butch and

Cassidy, he seemed to understand why it was so important for us to win this

battle and obediently assumed a fighting-stance.

Guardian’s Song: Okay. Credit where credit is due. It DOES make sense that, of all the Pokémon, Victreebel would sober up at the sight of Butch and Cassidy. I don’t know if this is at all canon, but Falls is actually pulling out a plausible characterization nuance here.

Was she high enough off the endorphins of James being awesome that she didn’t need to do her usual spiel, or what?

"Raticate! Super Fang attack!" Cassidy shouted, sending forth her own pokemon.

"Victreebel! Stun Spore!" I commanded.

As Raticate charged us, Victreebel unleashed a golden cloud of Stun Spores and

paralyzed him.

"Now hurry up and use Razor Leaf!" I said.

Taking advantage of the moment, Victreebel fired a barrage of leaves at the

stunned Raticate

Tom: (Raticate) What th’ Muk’s that human WEARING?

(Victreebel) I don’t know, either. Now fall over, so we can get out of this situation as soon as possible.

(James) What’s that, Victreebel? Bragging about what an amazing Moltres I am?

(Raticate) …I see yer point. *plays dead*

and cut him down to size.

"Excellent attacks! I am proud of you, Victreebel -- you are battling like the

pokemon of a Team Rocket champion!" I told my pokemon as he stood happily over

his vanquished foe.

Well, now that I'd won the first battle, it looked as if I'd finally earned some

respect.

Tom: And now yer just at -9,999 respect rather than -10,000?

Ash, Misty, and Brock seemed impressed by my victory, and even Jessie

and Meowth looked like they were beginning to comprehend my powers.

Butch and Cassidy, however, were being sore losers and insisted on talking

trash.

Now it was time to shut those pissants up and put them in their place for good!

"Come on, Botch! You want a piece of me?!" I shouted defiantly.

Tom: (Butch) I don’t want any piece of you, furry! Keep me out of your sick fantasies!

"You'd better shut your beak!" he shot back.

Just as I was about to command Victreebel to attack, however, they did something

that stopped me dead in my tracks....

"For your information, that book is a fake!" Cassidy sneered. "We made the whole

thing up!"

I brought out the book and looked at it in disbelief. "Y-you mean this book is a

work of fiction?!" I cried.

"That's right," she replied smugly.

"A-and the part about me being a Moltres?!"

"A lie!" Butch croaked.

Tom: (Butch) And by now, we’re regretting ever putting that section in there! I KNEW we should have made that birthdate a Zubat!

I wasn't a Moltres after all?! I couldn't believe it! I wouldn't believe it! How

could I not be a Moltres after everything that had happened today...after all

I've accomplished?!

Jerry: *sigh* You mean, after convincing half the fandom that you belong in a Pride parade?

Tom: An’ in this fic, a FURRY Pride parade?

As Butch and Cassidy explained that they'd made bogus copies of a real fortuneHYPHEN!

telling book as part of their con, I realized that for once they weren't lying.

I really wasn't a Moltres-type! I'd been tricked, just like everybody else!

At that moment, I felt more foolish than I'd ever felt in my entire life. I'd

made a complete jackass of myself...

Jerry: That’s… an understatement.

not just to Jessie and Meowth, but to all of

my enemies as well! I was no Hero of Destiny,

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |

just the idiotic, bumbling James

that everybody thinks I am. It was stupid of me to think that I could ever be

anything more...that maybe for once in my life, I could do something right.

It felt as if my heart had been pierced by an arrow of ice

Tom: Don’t give me ideas, furry. *toys with switchblade*

as I fell from the

crane and landed on the floor with a jarring crash -- the mighty Moltres, shot

down from the sky.

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| ||

As I sat there and kept muttering that I was Moltres, I felt Wobbuffet give me a

reassuring pat on the shoulder. But his kindness was small comfort to me --

nothing could make me feel better after the humiliating defeat I'd just

suffered!

Before long, I heard Butch and Cassidy starting another fight with Jessie and

Meowth. It was more of the usual We're better than you -- the boss is fed-up

with your incompetence bullshit.

Tom: That ain’t Tauros-dung, ‘s th’ purest truth.

Jerry: *mournfully* Couldn’t they just have stopped pursuing that Pikachu? I’ll never know why they spent so much time on that thing…

Never one to tolerate an insult, Jessie

defended herself against their accusations, and another pokemon battle ensued.

While Wobbuffet was knocking out Raticate by turning his own attack against him,

Tom: I thought y’ already downed him?!

Guardian’s Song: I suspect that’s a canon plot hole. But it’s still silly.

Meowth came to my side and screamed at me to get up and fight.

But it was no use -- how could I battle if I wasn't Moltres?! Without my powers,

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||

I was nothing. "I am Moltres...I will prevail...." I said, still trying to

convince myself that there might be a chance the book was right.

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| ||||

Meowth turned away from me and shrugged. "Have it yer way, bird-boy," he sighed.

Suddenly, Jessie and Wobbuffet went flying across the room -- they'd just been

knocked out by Primeape.

Guardian’s Song: Yes, I know that’s canon.

But how do you lose to a Primeape when armed with a Wobbuffet? You KNOW it won’t use special attacks!

Normally, seeing my Jessie get hurt would've driven me

to rage, but I still didn't have the impetus to get up and fight...not even for

her. It was hopeless.

Guardian’s Song: I think I’m switching this count from mania to depression.

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| ||||

And also, it makes James sound like a horrible jerk that he can’t defend the one he loves because he’s… wallowing in self-pity. It really does.

Then, the Primeape came over to me and Meowth and punched us as well. We were

knocked into Victreebel, who was still in the middle of the fray, and the three

of us landed in a tangled heap next to Jessie and Wobbuffet.

"Raticate! Skull Bash attack!" Cassidy screamed.

When I looked up, I saw the rat charging towards us at full-tilt. Then, he

slammed into us and sent us blasting off.

"I told you Moltres would triumph! Now I'm flying high!" I said as my friends

and I were launched into the sky.

Guardian’s Song: Uh, back to mania.

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |

"Den why do I feel so low?" Meowth moaned.

Tom: ‘Cause yer stuck with a furry?

"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again," we grumbled in unison.

I hung my head and sighed. No matter how much I tried to tell myself it wasn't

so...that everything would be okay, I still couldn't convince myself of it. I

wasn't Moltres. I never had been...and I never would be.

Guardian’s Song: Now depression.

GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| ||

(And he hung his head and sighed while flying through the air? That’s… weird.)

@->->-

We landed back in the middle of the park -- the exact same place where Meowth

had found the book that morning. The exact same place where this whole

misadventure began.

"Goddammit!" Jessie shouted as she got to her feet again and began to kick a

nearby lamp post. "Goddammit to HELL!!! I HATE THOSE GODDAMNED ASSHOLES!!!!!"

"You and me, both!" Meowth growled. "I hate Botch and Crappidy even more den I

hate Ash...and considerin' how much I despise dat twerp, dat's REALLY sayin'

somethin'!"

Tom: Really?

…*MANIACAL LAUGHTER* If that’s so, why didn’t y’ go after ‘em like y’ did with Ash, eh? THEY ain’t wanderin’ around McDonald’s an’ yellin’ at cardboard cutouts thirteen years later! And y’ didn’t beat THEM up all th’ time after yer “Split From Canon”! Face it! Y’ can’t beat ‘em, an’ so y’ just fergot about ‘em, ‘cause yer too scared! Y’ can only beat on people who’re smaller than y’ are, an’ the moment y’ see somebody yer own size, y’ run away like chickens! Flamin’ chickens, in yer case!

*wild cackling*

(Guardian’s Song: …In case you haven’t caught onto whose spawn I created him as… I think it’s become fairly obvious with all the gloating in this sporking.)

Jerry: *sigh*

I ran a hand through my tangled hair and sighed again as I pulled off the

tattered remnants of my once-magnificent Moltres costume and put my uniform back

on. I hated Butch and Cassidy, too. Once again, those assholes -- those assholes

who fail even more...and more miserably than we ever do -- had made complete

fools of us!

Tom: That’s ‘cause they don’t get blasted off weekly.

I'd been Moltres -- the mighty hero who was destined for greatness!

Jessie had been impressed by my prowress PROWESS and might! Everything had been so

perfect...and it had all turned to shit because of them!

Jerry: You only thought you were a Moltres in the first place because of them!

{snip, they mutter to themselves and wander off}

Guardian’s Song: I think here’s where canon takes off again.

The three of us hung our heads as we left the park and walked down the street in

search of a motel. Once again, we'd been utterly defeated, but maybe Meowth was

right -- maybe this whole ordeal wouldn't seem so bad once we'd gotten some

rest. Still, knowing that I wasn't Moltres didn't seem like something that a

little rest would cure.

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||

"It's devastating to think that you have a Moltres-type personality and then

lose it," I said sadly.

Meowth looked up at me and smirked. "You was better off without a personality,"

he remarked.

Tom: (Meowth) You know, back when you was in-character, and sane, and not a flaming furry!

I know Meowth was trying to cheer me up with his sarcasm, but it just wasn't

working. I felt bad enough as it was -- the last thing I needed was for him to

be picking on me.

Before I could tell him to leave me alone, however, Jessie suddenly stopped in

her tracks. "Look! A fortuneHYPHEN!telling book!" she cried. "Maybe this is the real

one!"

I looked up and saw that we were passing by a bookstore...and that they had

fortuneHYPHEN!telling books sitting on a clearance rack by the front door. Jessie had

grabbed one of the books and was now flipping through the pages.

As I looked at that book, I felt my hope renewing. Maybe my sign really is

Moltres, and Butch and Cassidy just said it wasn't to discourage me! Or maybe my

real sign is something even better! I said to myself.

Quickly, I snatched the book away from Jessie. "Hmmm...maybe this one will say

I'm a Moltres!" I said as I turned to page 50...the same page that Moltres had

been on in the other book. "Ah! Here's my birthday, and...."

Guardian’s Song: And here’s where the episode ended, apparently. Now, watch what Cori Falls uses to fill the next half of the fic.

But what I saw on page 50 was anything but Moltres! Instead, I saw the last

thing I wanted to see...the sign I dreaded above all others --

Tom: A “No Crossdressers Allowed” sign?

Magikarp!

"Oh, no! IT CAN'T BE!!!!!" I screamed as I looked in horror at what my real sign

was.

Of all the pokemon signs out there, why, oh why did my sign have to be

Magikarp?! It had been a Magikarp that was responsible for me and my friends

getting stuck on the St. Anne when it capsized and sank on the open sea almost

two years ago...I'd had a Magikarp stuck to my head in the Orange Islands last

summer...it had been because of a Magikarp that Jessie had almost lost Lickitung

a few weeks ago...and Magikarp were always evolving into Gyrados and blasting me

and my friends off! Of all the pokemon out there, Magikarp seems to be the one

that brings me the worst luck. Having a Magikarp-type personality seemed like a

particularly cruel twist of fate.

Jerry: Couldn’t you think about how Magikarps evolve into Gyarados, so you really ought to take this as a sign that you’re regarded as a useless wimp now, but will evolve into an awe-inducing creature of enormous power and a peculiar weakness to Electric types?

Tom: But then he couldn’t angst, y’know.

It figures.

@->->-

It felt like I had a knife in my heart as we continued on our way. If I thought

it was bad to know I wasn't a Moltres, it was even worse now that I knew what I

really was.

Tom: Just another delusional furry/otherkin?

Jessie and Meowth didn't speak a word to me for the rest of the afternoon (they

probably knew there wasn't anything they could say that would make me feel

better),

Tom: (Jessie and Meowth) After today, we’re NEVER speaking to you again. NEVER.

and in the oppressive silence that ensued, I kept playing part of an

old Albert King blues song over and over in my mind:

Born under a bad sign.

I been down since I began to crawl.

And if it wasn't for bad luck,

I wouldn't have no luck at all!

Hard luck and trouble

Is my only friend.

I been on my own

Ever since I was ten.

Born under a bad sign.

I been down since I began to crawl.

And if it wasn't for bad luck,

I wouldn't have no luck at all!

How true it was...how true it was....

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| ||||

@->->-

Before long, we found a motel that had some vacancies, and we checked in. Once

we got to our room, Jessie went into the bathroom to take a shower, and I

flopped down on the bed, still dejected from the knowledge that I was a Magikarp

-- the most unlucky and useless of pokemon.

Jerry: And when you turn 20, you’ll come into your magical inheritance and… Wait, wrong fandom. But still! Magikarps are NOT useless! They turn into a Pokémon that has a place on Lance’s team, for goodness’s sakes!

Meowth seated himself next to me and grabbed the remote from the nightstand.

"Hey! Dis joint's got cable!" he exclaimed. "Come on, Jimmy, let's watch some

TV! It'll make ya feel better!"

"Whatever," I sighed. Somehow, I doubted that television was going cheer me up.

Meowth channel-surfed for a few minutes until he came to one of the premium

movie networks. After a few minutes of commercials, the feature presentation

began. He grinned when he saw what movie was.

"All right! It's Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me!" he cried. "I LOVE dis

flick!"

Jerry: I can’t believe she wrote this with a straight face.

Tom: An’ you could believe th’ furry stuff?

I managed a weak smile. I liked that movie too, but I just couldn't get as

excited about it as he was. Still, I knew that it would be better to take my

mind off of my troubles for awhile rather than dwell on them all night, so I

decided to watch it with him.

As I sat there and watched the movie, however, I found that I just couldn't get

the events of the day out of my mind. And the scene where Dr. Evil stole

Austin's mojo and made him fall flat with Felicity Shagwell even seemed to

strike a raw nerve with me!

{snip for wangst and Austin Powers} As

hilarious as the movie was, I just wasn't in the mood to laugh. How could I

laugh when the stars had condemned me to such a cruel fate?

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| ||||

{snip James going off to the shower to wangst}

@->->-

Once I was alone in the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned.

I didn't see anybody heroic or Moltres-ey staring back at me. All I saw was a

worthless loser...a Magikarp.

"Maybe there isn't any rhyme or reason to my suffering, after all," I told

myself. "Maybe the reason I'm always failing is because I'm just doomed to

failure. How could I have thought any different?"

Guardian’s Song: GET OUT THE LITHIUM: |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |||| |

Unable to bear the sight of myself any longer,

Tom: (James) – I ended the fic right then and there, and spared the readers the hassle.

Guardian’s Song: Nice try.

Tom: Dang it!

I tore my gaze away from the

mirror and took off my uniform. I then got into the shower and turned on the

water. And as I stepped under the nozzle, I got hit by an icy blast.

Shit! Jessie must've used all the hot water! I said to myself.

{James whines about the cold shower for 84 words.}

Hmmmph. The only part of that damn fortune telling book that was actually right

was the part that said I'd have bad luck with water. Just my luck.... I thought

as I poured some shampoo into my hands and began to lather my hair.

Once I'd washed my hair, scrubbed myself clean, and rinsed off, I got out of the

shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I had a chill from the cold water, and

even after drying myself off and putting on my pajamas, I just couldn't get

warm.

Everything seemed to be leaving me cold today.

@->->-

When I got out of the bathroom, I saw Jessie lying on the bed. She was wearing a

little red negligee, and she was smiling at me.

"We called for pizza while you were in the shower," she told me. "Meowth found

some coupons in the motel lobby when we checked in -- buy an extra large with

three toppings and a two-liter of soda, and get a free pizza. It was carry-out

only though, so he went to pick them up."

Tom: (Meowth) *comes back* Sorry, guys, but I ate all the pizza. It was really the cat’s meow! Ha ha!

(James and Jessie) …*murderous feelings… rising…*

Normally, my stomach would've started growling at the mention of pizza...and I

would've been more excited to see Jessie in her sexiest nightie. But neither one

seemed to have much of an impact on me tonight. I just wasn't in the mood for

anything -- food or sex -- after what I'd been through.

Tom: (James) I’d realized I was gay!

Jerry: *sighs* A man, particularly a highly enthusiastic, sort of dopey one, is not necessarily gay because he gets carried away with cosplay in the heat of the moment.

Tom: But he is necessarily a furry.

Jerry: *facepalm*

"That's nice," I muttered as I got into bed next to her and covered myself with

the blanket. I was still cold from that shower.

"You know," she continued, "Meowth just left a couple of minutes ago. That means

we've got this room to ourselves for at least half an hour!"

Tom: (Cori!James) Ooh, goodie! Let’s use the time to draw our fursonas!

I looked over at her as she pulled the blanket off of me and began to unbutton

my pajama top.

Jessie scooted closer, and her smile grew even wider than it already was. "I'm

not wearing any panties, James!" she whispered seductively into my ear. "Meowth

was right -- you made them explode when you broke those ropes with your muscles

this afternoon!"

Jerry: (Jessie) I knew I shouldn’t have worn the guncotton today…

I felt my heart skip a beat when she said this. My cheeks started to turn pink

as she blew into my ear and began to run her fingers along my now bare chest.

Jessie was pretty damned hard to resist! But no matter how hot she was, I still

wasn't in the mood. I had a pounding headache from being blasted off,

Jerry: And she doesn’t?

all of my

muscles were stiff and sore, and I just didn't feel sexy now that I wasn't a

Moltres anymore.

Tom: He doesn’t feel sexy outta his fursuit! He IS a furry!