Drunken Lullabies

BEGIN SPORK

“Severus, there’s something I have to tell you.”

Severus looked over at his love, “What is it?”
This must be my Mum he's talking to.
I believe this is slash. And you're selling out your mother rather quickly.
DO IT TO JULIA, NOT ME!

The person in question gazed at him for a moment with shocking green eyes must be my Mum. Must be must be must be. and began, “Sev Yes, it's my Mum. Definitely. , I think I’m-“

There was a knock on the door and Sev went to open it. Beyond the threshold stood the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore. “Severus, Harry,
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You deserved it for selling out your mother without a second thought.
SNAPE?! Why SNAPE?! The only way this could get worse is if I was buggering Voldemort!
...*turns green in the face* Potter, do you remember the last story of this type that we sporked? The correct phrasing is "being buggered BY Voldemort". Not that I would want to get my genitals anywhere near you.
HAH! WITH CHARACTERISTIC GRYFFINDOR BRAVERY, I SHALL LIVE ON! I WILL NOT BE BUGGERING VOLDEMORT IN THIS FIC!
*patiently* Let me spell this out for you - I understand Gryffindors have comprehension difficulties. You will certainly not BE buggering Voldemort. However, in the last story we sporked, you were buggered BY that "Daisuke Hikari" who was pretending to be me. Do you comprehend this? The buggering was done TO YOU, not BY YOU. Is that simple enough?
LA LAAAA LALA I CAN'T HEEEEEEEAR YOU!
*sigh*

I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” What WOULD he be inter - OH MERLIN NO.

Before Harry could answer, Severus spoke up. “No, not at all Headmaster. What is it that you need?” An emergency exit from this fic, ASAP.

He stood and walked over to the elderly wizard and headed down the hall with him, “Well, I was wondering...” Wondering WHAT? As to the existence of Crumple-Horned Snufflegapuses? Or whatever Professor Lovegood was talking about.

Harry couldn’t believe it. He had to tell him and Severus dismissed it like it were nothing. Like it WAS nothing. And it probably IS nothing. And for a Gryffindor, you're awfully considerate and sane... why didn't you shout it loudly enough for all of Hogsmeade to hear you? He acted on the whim of the Headmaster.
You must live in a fairly lax system for it to be possible NOT to act on the whim of the Headmaster - Headmaster Grindelwald has a habit of being unpleasant when his commands are not obeyed.
Dumbledore is good and kind -
And, if he's anything like the Headmaster of my Hogwarts, a cunning, manipulative bastard who works "for the greater good".
*grudgingly* Yeeeeeeesssss....

{snip Harry whining, grabbing his possessions, and Flooing to Riddle Manor} Wait, I have a manor?!
Wait. WHAT? That's suicide! Striding into VOLDEMORT'S MANOR?! WHAT THE HECK?!

After a whirl of color and many grates later, Harry stumbled out of the fireplace. *Both* *are confused* "whirl of color"... "many grates"... what? With soot coating his throat, he started coughing. One day, a Ravenclaw made a Potion out of soot that was an anti-cough-syrup coating. It caused you to cough instead of stopping the cough. ...The inventor committed suicide after the only practical use was found to be joke shops. One of the Death Eaters that was passing by the room heard him and ran in. “Potter. Must think your House values recklessless - you're supposed to be brave, not stupid!, coming here to kill the Dark Lord.”

Gasping for air, he noticed his eyesight was going blurry. He was about to faint. “Take me... to... Voldemort...” with that said, he passed out at the man’s feet.
I would NEVER be stupid enough to hand myself over to Voldemort!
Ah, Potter, there's this book. It's called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. In it, you -
But I MEANT to die! I'm not going to commit suicide just because Snape snubbed me! Bloody hell, that's my day-to-day school life!

When he awoke several hours later, he was in a lavishly decorated room laying on a king-sized feather bed decorated with green, silver, Correct. Wait, stop there! crimson GRYFFINDOR COLOR! Not on my bed, you don't! and black *blinks* Hufflepuff?!.
No, Riddle, you idiot. It was Slytherin colors plus DARKITY DARK DARK EMO COLORS!!!!!1shfit1!
You mispelled "shift".
Shut up...

The room itself was larger than any he had ever seen, in colors that were similar to the bed’s. You have an EMO Slytherin room, Riddle. Have you been using Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way as a decorator? I insist that this will turn out to be Daisuke Hikari again - NOT ME. Sitting next to the bed in a large black wing back chair *attempts to parse* HYPHENS are your FRIEND, Suethors. was none other than the Dark Lord himself, Voldemort POTTER. I'm fighting for good! Potter makes a lousy Boy-Who-Lived - he doesn't even have a real army! Riddle, first off, this is not your dimension. Secondly, must you insult me every time you comment?. “Well, well, Potter. Come back have you? Got tired of the side of good? ...No matter. AVADA KEDAVRA!”

He sat up with difficulty and said in a voice still husky with sleep, “I got tired of being walked all over, if that’s what you mean.” Perhaps you shouldn't have been lying on the floor, then.

“Hmm, I see. Fool. AVADA KEDAVRA! So, how is dear Severus doing? He hasn’t answered my summons lately. Does he have an excuse?”
We're mortal enemies, neither can live while the other survives, blah blah blah. WHY ARE WE TALKING LIKE OLD CHUMS?!
It's Daisuke Hikari, I tell you, not me.

Harry coughed a little to clear some soot out then smirked, "Bwahaha I use no commas!" “If by excuse, you mean he’s spying on you for Dumbledore, then yes, he has one. I’m surprised you never suspected him as the spy.”

Voldemort growled and seemed to glare at nothing. “I suspected, but I didn’t want to believe it,” he gave a dramatic sigh I do NOT dramatically sigh! I hiss! I frown! I do NOT mug for attention like a Gryffindor!, “I just lost myself a Potions Master. None my other followers were near as good as him. "None my other followers"? B'nah? Nearly as skilled as he was. This is just pathetic.”

Harry cleared his throat, which caused Voldemort to look at him, "Do you need cough drops, Hermione?" Hermione? Remember, things are different in my world. “You forget, I was his lover,” he smirked, “You don’t think he wouldn’t teach me everything he knows, now then do you?
Failure to parsssse ssssentence. Brain failure.
Hey, I'm no longer a Horcrux! I can't understand Parseltongue!
Really? It'ssssss entertaining to inssssult people in Parssssseltongue when they can't underssssstand you.
What did you say?
Your father wasssss an arrogant git and your entire Housssssse isssss full of foolsssss. And one Ssssslytherin is sssssmarter than your entire Housssse put together.
What did you say?!
I was complimenting the boldness and nerve of the Gryffindors.

” asked the twenty-two year old.  I'm twenty-two now?! Wow, fic!me is incompetent. How hard IS it to destroy Horcruxes? When you don't have either a Basilisk or a set of Deus Ex Machinas on your side? Quite hard.

Voldemort smiled at him. “Now then, Potter, tell me the reason you left your beloved Potions Master and the Old Coot. TELL THE TRUTH.” *sniggers* Coot? Daisuke Hikarimort can't think of a better insult than THAT? And why can't I just use Legilimency to rip his mind open and find the truth?

Harry looked down at his hands which were messing with the blanket, “Do you remember a last year when you took me as your captive and used my wand as you sung I Feel Pretty - *draws wand* Take that back IMMEDIATELY, Potter. ... personal sex toy.”
*is horrified* If Daisuke Hikarimort had to use SOMEBODY as his sex toy, why you?! You're not even attractive! ...I suppose I could justify that as the Slashthor knowing that rape is all about POWER and not about sex - though obviously, the Slashthor DOESN'T know that, and I wouldn't use that tactic ANYWAY! I have morals!
*snaps out of horror-induced catatonic state* You do?
Yes, but I'm not about to tell YOU what I consider unforgivable and what I consider forgivable. I prefer my enemies to assume that I have no restraints - makes them more afraid...

“Yes, you screamed so nicely,” he smirked at Harry’s blush. Harry Potter's face is turning GREEN right now, NOT red, thank you.

“Ahem, well, that came with some repercussions. I got pregnant.
...WHAT?!
Men can't get pregnant!
This - how could this even WORK?! I have balls, not ovaries!
Ah. I think I have it. This is a Girl!Harry fic where the author forgot to use female pronouns.
So it's not me?
No, this is a - not Rose, she'd KILL if she saw this - Harriet/Daisuke Hikari fic. Therefore, THESE CHARACTERS ARE NOT US.
WHEEEEEEE! YAAAAAY!

And I was going to tell Severus that I wanted an Abortion Potion-“

“You mean, your Female!OOC!clone is with child?” Harry nodded, “My child?” another nod, “When did you find out?” he asked softly, which was odd for him. Actually, I often say things quietly. But it's meant to be intimidating, not sentimental. I command an ARMY, after all. Then again, Daisuke Hikarimort wangsts all the time, so I suppose being quiet IS unusual for him.

“A month ago. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell anybody. The shame of having taken over Harry's role in life - it was too much! I couldn't defeat Voldemort - Neither could you, without the Elder Wand Lojick 0' D00|\/|.  Severus and I haven’t done anything in months, ever since I came back. I didn’t want him to. Agreed! Wait, this is Harriet.”

Voldemort moved from the chair to the bed and pulled Harry into an tight embrace and crushed him to death, like a python. THE END.. “Why? Don’t you love him? NONONO - Harriet, sorry.”

“I don’t know...” came the muffle response. "Muffle response"? Perhaps they meant to type "Muggle"... There was silence before Harry asked, “Can I call you Tom?” NO. HE IS DAISUKE HIKARI, NOT ME.

The Dark Lord stiffened Ackackackno Daisuke Hikari not me DAISUKE HIKARI!, “Why?” he asked in a tight voice.

Harry looked up with bright, innocent green eyes Straight out of a pedophilic fantasy, “Because Voldemort is such a mouth full.”
O_O NONONONONONONONONO-
IT'S HARRIET, NOT YOU! And Voldemort is NOT a mouthful. It is ingenious, mysterious, and -
MOUTH. FULL. SLASH FIC. THINK.
O_O GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Tom laughed and nodded, “But only in private. *starts moaning* In PAIN, not - you perverts! My subordinates don’t know about my heritage.” I actually found my inbred relatives more embarassing than being a half-blood. Then again, this is Daisuke Hikari. You're in denial that this is really supposed to be us. ... ... ... Can I join you?

“I just have one request.” said Harry as his eyes began to droop with weariness. "Get me out of this fic."

“What’s that, poppet.”
*turns green* You are SO-
Daisuke Hikari. Not me. And I agree, he's going to probably be dancing around in a feather boa before long.
Not a boa CONSTRICTOR? He's supposed to be you.
*thinks* Yes, that would be better... crussssh the impossstor.

“Don’t hurt ‘Mione’s family. She was my first true friend. WHAT ABOUT HAGRID?! AND RON?! I MET THEM BEFORE HER!” his eyes fell and he drifted off into the arms of Morpheus.
Now Daisuke Hikari is a black man in sunglasses who drones on and on about the One?
The Suethor meant the Greek God. I think.

A few day’s later, Tom summoned all the death eater’s to his side for a meeting. Harry stood next to him, draped in a black velvet cloak that covered him completely. Among the followers was one Severus Snape who looked extremely anxious. In Tom’s ear, Harry whispered, “He think’s you kidnaped me again.”

Tom, who was also wearing a cloak to mask his face, smirked. “Whatever gave him that idea, love?”

“Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me. AVADA KEDAVRA! Severus, come forward please.”

The crowd parted and Snape slowly walked forward, head held high. Why doesn't he... you know... RUN?! Like a SANE person? Sectumsempra, sectumsempra, Apparate? That would be less silly... or he could denounce his accuser as the REAL spy... Or he could say that someone was Polyjuiced as him - ANYTHING BUT GIVING HIMSELF UP!!!! No, Mrs. Weasley, this is the Capslock of Rage of the Boy-Who-Lived. You have a different variety.. *examines* Capslock of Kicking Rear?! Blast! ...You wouldn't mind a trade, would you? “Tell me, Severus, would you like to see the person who sold you out?”

He nodded sharply and Harryiet grinned from beneath hiser hood. As he leaned against his Lord God in Heaven, Harry removed his hood and revealed himself to the whole room.
The yells of shock, the cheers, the screams on every side of "Harry!" "HE'S ALIVE!" were stifled at once. The crowd was-
glad their leader's tactic of provoking him into showing off was successful, and a hundred curses zoomed towards the Dark Lord Potter.
WHAT?!
Oh, my apologies. Did it end DIFFERENTLY in your world?

He looked completely different know. With a few simple spells, he corrected his eyesight, which now looked as though they were glowing. It's the Village of the Damned! With a hair growth potion, he made his hair grow so that it was now to his waist and it looked as though it absorbed the light of the room. ROSE POTTER, SHOO! AND GIVE ME BACK MY Y-CHROMOSOME! “Hello Severus,” he said in a quiet yet dignified tone
HAHAHAHAHA! Don't confuse the two of us, Suethor!
I can be dignified! I pulled it off quite well at the end of Deathly Hallows!
*flips to that point* Oh, sorry. I thought your author must have mixed up your name with my counterpart's. The Long, Long, Dramatic Speeches right when your foe can hex you to pieces at any time are more his style.

, “Surprised to see me here? Or is that just a basilisk in your pocket?”

“Harry? Why are you looking like a girl?... what are you doing here? Alive, I mean. Doesn't matter. SECTUMSEMPRA!" And so the epic battle began, and Snivellus ended up getting hung upside down in the air. Oops, I'm dead. *James Potter scurries off*”

“I got tired of it, Severus. You and Dumbledore were just using me. I was your pawn. EMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Well, I WAS. Well guess what, not anymore. I never want to see your hook-nosed, sallow-skinned, greasy face again.”

Tom Daisuke Hikari smirked beneath his hood. “Well spoken, my love.” Then he, too, lowered his hood.

...LOVE? *barfs*
DAISUKE HIKARI AND HARRIET, Daisuke Hikari and Harriet...

What everybody saw shocked them far more then the revealing of Harry Potter. He was wearing.... A RED BIKINI! Damn you, Potterpuffs, for getting that image stuck in my head. Their Lord God in Heaven looked normal now. He was handsome with ebony hair and crimson eyes.
Yes, I am handsome. *preens*
*imitates Tom while singing* Prettyyyyyyy... I feel so prettyyyyyyyyy...
Jormungandr, after we finish the sssssssporking... KILL HIM! KILL! KILL!
What did you say? I can't speak Parseltongue anymore!

His face was now even longer and snake-like though his eyes did retain their slits. As I'm assuming the WHITES of his eyes aren't red in this deluded little world... his eyes must look like the Eye of Sauron. WHOOOOOOOOOO! Scaaaaarrry... Get some Visine for that. “Now then, who would like to escort our dear Potions Master to the dungeon?”